06. April 2016 Uncategorized 17

To say that I’m a bit of a control freak is an understatement.  Maybe it’s because I’m the first born and was an only child for seven years.  Or maybe, its because I’ve learned that if I want something done, and done right, it’s easiest for me to do it.  At work, I have a hard time delegating tasks and asking for help.  I figure, that it’s just easier, for everyone, if I do the work right the first time rather than having to redo someone else’s work.  At home, if I don’t like the way Mike loads the dishwasher I’ll rearrange everything to “maximize space.”  It drives him nuts.

When I was told that my son has an illness that doesn’t have a cure, the ability to control my world went out the window.  Suddenly, I was faced with a world of uncertainty. There was so much I wanted to know and understand (and of course, control), but I couldn’t.  I no longer had the ability to control what my sons life entailed.  I had to step back and let the doctors be in control.  They controlled when he ate, what tests he needed, what treatment plan was best for him; they even controlled when we could leave the hospital.  I could’ve went against their recommendations and walked right out of the hospital, with Grayson, but that wouldn’t have been in his best interest.

I figured out that even though our lives had been flipped upside down I could control a couple of things.  I suddenly had a need to get up early enough to take a shower, put makeup on and do my hair.  At first, I was concerned what others would think about me looking “fresh faced,” while my son was sick and hooked up to monitors, but that concern quickly went away.  “Those,” people didn’t have the right to wonder why I looked the way I did; if they only knew what was going on, on the inside.

The other thing I could control was my attitude; only I can control how I act and behave.  I’ve decided to take these illnesses head on, with my eye on the prize of getting Grayson into remission.  I’m choosing to stay positive and tackle these illnesses with a smile.  Now, that’s not to say that I haven’t had moments of anger, depression and confusion.  I have and I will probably have many more, but keeping a positive outlook will be an easier road to travel than a road filled rage, depression and sorrow.


17 thoughts on “Control”

  • 1
    Kate Matchett on April 6, 2016 Reply

    In awe of how you are able to talk about what is going on! Praying for your precious family every day! Big hugs!

    • 2
      Sara on April 6, 2016 Reply

      Thank you Kate! It helps me to share our journey, not only for my mental health but for the families who may face this battle in the future.

  • 3
    Kelly Green on April 6, 2016 Reply

    Thanks for sharing your heart. Praying and believing along with you all.

    • 4
      Sara on April 6, 2016 Reply

      Thank you so much!?

  • 5
    Racheal Lawrence on April 6, 2016 Reply

    Love you guys. Please if you need anything just ask. Love, Ben, Racheal, Walker and Delaney

  • 6
    Amara on April 6, 2016 Reply

    Sara, a great perspective. Although it doesn’t seem it at times, things can always be worse. Keep your head up and keep fighting!

  • 7
    Jenny Cantu on April 6, 2016 Reply

    Ultimately God is in control he has a plan. Praying for your family for the Grace and strength to see you through .

  • 8
    Wendi Otte on April 6, 2016 Reply are amazing! Keep you head up, continue to do what you are doing! You have a whole army of prayer warriors on your side. If you need anything, please let me know!!! Hugs and prayers to you and your family.

  • 9
    Austin Donnelly on April 6, 2016 Reply

    First paragraph sounds a little uncharacteristic but okay 😉

    Your most sarcastic co-worker.

  • 10
    Amber Holub on April 6, 2016 Reply

    Oh friend, my heart is breaking for you. But I have to say, these are words of a mama ready and fighting for her baby! Those are words of strength, courage and love. Its ok to have weak moments, never EVER forget that, because you will have those moments, but you know what you are doing is the very BEST for your baby. Advocating is something that you are good for, keep reminding those doctors of that too :-) Proud of you mama. Love you guys! #GraysonStrong Praying big bold prayers!

  • 11
    Jane on April 6, 2016 Reply

    Praying for you and your beautiful family.

  • 12
    Mike V on April 6, 2016 Reply

    Keep up that fight mentality! Prayers for all of you.

  • 13
    Theresa Vogel on April 6, 2016 Reply

    Thank you for sharing this very difficult journey with all of us. Sometimes we find strength within us we didn’t know we had! Remember to lean on those who have offered their support, as you will surely need it. The power of prayer is pretty amazing. And I know you have a village praying for you, including me! Sending you hugs and prayers. “God may not give us answers but He gives us grace.”❤️

    • 14
      Sara on April 18, 2016 Reply

      Thank you so much!?

  • 15
    Steph Sauter on April 6, 2016 Reply

    Everyday-every night I try to come up with better words, they don’t come. From one parent to another I only wish I could do something more meaningful for you and Mike. Sara you have found the only way to tackle this…head on and taking on what you can “control”. To piggy back on Theresa Vogel’s words…lean whenever you have to!!! We are all there for you and Mike and the kids!! Love you<3

    • 16
      Sara on April 18, 2016 Reply

      Thank you Steph! ?

  • 17
    Tia on April 7, 2016 Reply

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

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