To say that I’m a bit of a control freak is an understatement. Maybe it’s because I’m the first born and was an only child for seven years. Or maybe, its because I’ve learned that if I want something done, and done right, it’s easiest for me to do it. At work, I have a hard time delegating tasks and asking for help. I figure, that it’s just easier, for everyone, if I do the work right the first time rather than having to redo someone else’s work. At home, if I don’t like the way Mike loads the dishwasher I’ll rearrange everything to “maximize space.” It drives him nuts.
When I was told that my son has an illness that doesn’t have a cure, the ability to control my world went out the window. Suddenly, I was faced with a world of uncertainty. There was so much I wanted to know and understand (and of course, control), but I couldn’t. I no longer had the ability to control what my sons life entailed. I had to step back and let the doctors be in control. They controlled when he ate, what tests he needed, what treatment plan was best for him; they even controlled when we could leave the hospital. I could’ve went against their recommendations and walked right out of the hospital, with Grayson, but that wouldn’t have been in his best interest.
I figured out that even though our lives had been flipped upside down I could control a couple of things. I suddenly had a need to get up early enough to take a shower, put makeup on and do my hair. At first, I was concerned what others would think about me looking “fresh faced,” while my son was sick and hooked up to monitors, but that concern quickly went away. “Those,” people didn’t have the right to wonder why I looked the way I did; if they only knew what was going on, on the inside.
The other thing I could control was my attitude; only I can control how I act and behave. I’ve decided to take these illnesses head on, with my eye on the prize of getting Grayson into remission. I’m choosing to stay positive and tackle these illnesses with a smile. Now, that’s not to say that I haven’t had moments of anger, depression and confusion. I have and I will probably have many more, but keeping a positive outlook will be an easier road to travel than a road filled rage, depression and sorrow.